Blue Days
by Hikage-Chan
Summary: If I assume that there's an answer that can't be seen, then I'll assume it won't fade away. The day that she died was the day he turned cold. Does he even love me anymore? Or is the one that died the women he loves the most? AU InuKag ONE-SHOT


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha. The song, _Blue Days_, is owned by Ayaka.

**Author's Note:** So this is like the first story I've written in quite a while. I've been feeling a little down lately, which is why I haven't been writing for a while. I've been inspired by Ayaka to continue writing, so I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Blue Days**

By Hikage-Chan

* * *

Two years. Two years have come and gone and it seems that the flame has died. Kagome and Inuyasha… the happy couple. Yeah right… it seems so long ago that we could smile and say "I love you," and be honest with ourselves. Something happened… something that just made us drift apart. It's silly to blame Kikyo because in reality, we're both searching for excuses. Anything to say that we aren't trying our hardest to be together.

I hate being the only one to realise it. Or does he realise it as well but just doesn't want to say anything? I don't want to say anything either because the happiest moments I've had are with him. I'm a fool for not letting him go, because won't this just lead to pain? It's easy to say "I'll let him go," and things like that, but it's harder to actually do it.

"Oi! Higurashi!" a voice barked interrupting my thoughts. I looked up to see my voice glowering down at me over the wall of my cubicle. I gave him a small smile.

"Yes sir?" I asked standing up, still holding that smile, which was beginning to hurt my cheeks. This was one of the many, many, many reasons why I had decided not to go into retail. My inability to lie as well as my inability to hold a false smile on my face.

"Where are the reports I asked you to have on my desk by four? It is now four and I don't see any of those reports!"

"They're on your desk, sir. I put them there five minutes ago," I said pointing into his office, where you could clearly see the large stack of reports lying on his desk.

My boss rolled his eyes and turned to see the reports. He gave a small cough to cover up his embarrassment, which was quite an attempt, I tell you. By then everyone had heard his little tantrum and had tuned in to see his meltdown. "Well then," he said giving another 'cough', "carry on." And without another word, he shuffled back inside his office.

"Well, I think I deserve an early day then!" I said to no one in particular as I stood up and grabbed my bag. It wasn't like anyone was going to bother me anyways. The boss would avoid me because of his little slip, so I was safe for now.

I grabbed my mobile and dialled the familiar number without even looking at the keypad.

"Hey this is Inuyasha. My phone is either off or out of range. Call back later."

I sighed and hung up. The same message… every day I would call Inuyasha to see if he was still at work, to see if we could go walk home together. Before Kikyo, he would wait for me in the lobby and if I was late, he'd come barging in and drag me away from work. Funny how people change in just a few months.

* * *

_Just like always, I come back alone,_

_Inserting the key and opening the door._

"_Welcome," you say greeting me_

_With the obligatory faint embrace._

* * *

"Hi," I replied throwing my bag down on the floor. I kicked off my shoes and joined Inuyasha on the sofa. He didn't acknowledge my presence and I didn't make any effort to show that I was there. "How was your day?" I asked nervously turning to look at his blank face.

"Fine," he replied dismissively, never tearing his eyes away from the television. A few more minutes of silence passed by and I heaved a sigh.

"Yeah, mine was fine too, thanks for asking. You'll never guess who I ran into today!" I waited for a response, but when I got none, I continued, "Houjo!"

I had hoped for a response from that. Houjo, my ex-boyfriend from high school. I wanted Inuyasha to look at me and I wanted him to respond. It was like living with a ghost.

Perhaps I was a ghost to him as well. Neither of us talked much and we avoided each other. We hadn't slept in the same bed for months now, Inuyasha choosing the comfort of his sofa over the bed every day. Every time he looked at me, I wondered who he saw. Kikyo or Kagome? He was racked with guilt, but so was I. We were both to blame, but he felt that the blame was his to bear alone and that only he was suffering.

"We went out for coffee and talked…"

A year ago, if Inuyasha had found out I went on a coffee date with Houjo, he would have screamed "bloody murder" and go out to kill Houjo. I missed him, the boyfriend that died with Kikyo.

"And he asked me out…"

It was the truth. Kikyo's death had changed me, but I was still an attractive young woman who was a catch. Houjo's proposal wasn't the first one. Plenty of guys have asked me out, especially my colleague, Kouga, who was rather persistent. I don't understand why I always rejected them, Inuyasha and I could hardly be recognised as a couple. We never went out together anymore; I spent my birthday with my friends partying at a club while Inuyasha stayed at home. He goes out with his friends a lot, and is rarely at home. We lead to different lives but refuse to break up. We're holding on to something that died a long, long time ago.

When I received no reply from Inuyasha, except the occasional yell at the sports on the television, I gave up. I was getting sick and tired of the emptiness.

"I'm going out to dinner with Sango," I said standing up. I brushed angry tears out of my eyes. "Inuyasha? Do you want me to get you anything while I'm out?"

"I'll just get ramen," was the solemn reply.

* * *

_Because I'm afraid of pain,_

_I always turn away my eyes and run._

_But every time I smell your scent_

_I unconsciously turn myself around._

* * *

"Hey Sango."

"Hey Kagome!" Sango said cheerfully as I joined her at a table in a small Chinese restaurant. "How are things?" she asked, her tone changing dramatically.

I rested my head in my hands as everything hit me all at once. I gave a pathetic sob, which turned into an endless stream of tears.

"Oh, Kagome!" Sango whispered getting out of her seat and wrapping her arms around me. "Shh, it's okay," she murmured into my ear as I let it all out. Months and months of pain and suffering had filled me to the brink until it overflowed. I thought the hardest thing would be to one day leave Inuyasha. But I could never leave him… so I was torturing myself everyday. I was delusional, thinking that both Inuyasha and I could keep on going after Kikyo's death.

"He doesn't even see me anymore! I wake up and he's gone. I come home and he's not there. But when he is there, he doesn't even see me. I feel like I'm living with a ghost," I said quietly once I had calmed down. Sango was back in her seat and staring at me with sorrowful eyes. Sango was the only person who knew about the predicament Inuyasha and I were in. I poured myself into her everyday: it's the only way I've stayed sane this entire time.

"You could… you know, date someone else."

"I can't do that; it'd be like cheating on Inuyasha. I know that it's like we're not even going out anymore, but I can't do it. I feel guilty just going out to coffee with a guy."

"Counselling? You could always try counselling. And there is no shame in going to see a counsellor. Miroku and I have and it's really helped us to open up our relationship and to see things in different perspectives. I mean, if it wasn't for counselling, Miroku would still be flirting with women and I would be having health problems from the stress of handling Miroku."

I couldn't reply. Counselling had always seemed an option, but it felt so silly. I didn't want to tell Inuyasha to go to counselling with me. In the end, nothing would change.

I gave a small laugh, dismissing the subject. "You know what? It's been three months to this day that Inuyasha and I haven't had a proper conversation." Sango didn't say a thing and poked her noodles with her chopsticks. "We all went out to dinner, all three of us, Kikyo, Inuyasha and I. And it was fun, to be with my sister and my boyfriend and go on the Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round."

"Kagome –"

"And then we decided to go home because I wasn't feeling well. So I sat at the back of the car and Inuyasha and Kikyo sat up front, and then we crashed. Actually, that drunken teenager crashed into us… but still. If I hadn't been feeling sick, Kikyo would still be alive."

"That accident was nobody's fault Kagome, well maybe that teenager, but it was never your fault. You can't see this because you're in it, but Kagome, you're killing yourself. You've lost so much weight and you've changed. You don't smile anymore and you're always crying." By now, both Sango and I were in tears. "You need to face the facts that this relationship is going nowhere. You have to let him go."

* * *

_If I assume that there's an answer that can't be seen,_

_I'll assume that the warmth of your arms won't fade._

_That night, we promised each other eternity_

_As you said "I love you," and softly kissed my cheek._

* * *

I arrived home to find Inuyasha asleep on the couch, yet again. I stared at his calm face, saddened that the only way Inuyasha could find peace was in his sleep. But even them, I was sure he was haunted by death. I knelt down by the edge of the sofa and stared at his face that seemed to have aged in years since the last time I actually look at him. I inhaled his musky sent, that too had changed. I shifted some hair that had fallen onto his sleeping face and smiled staring at him. I leaned over and brushed my lips over his, in a small and quick kiss, which tasted rather salty. As I pulled away, I realised I was crying. I brought my hand to my mouth, stifling a sob. I stepped back and turned away, silent tears streaming down my cheeks. Things had changed so much and maybe Sango was right.

I shook my head, erasing that thought out of my head. Inuyasha and I loved each other and I wasn't going to leave him because we were still okay.

I stood up and brushed the tears out of my eyes and made my way to our room. Oh god, Sango would have killed me for even saying just that. "Our room"… it's not ours anymore. It's mine.

I lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Inuyasha's scent had faded out of the pillows, the blanket, the room itself. Every single memory of him in the room seemed to have faded. I turned to my side and stared at a photo of us taken just a few days before the accident. We were _happy_. It seemed so longa go…

I placed the phot frame down so I wouldn't have to stare at that photo again. It didn't seem enough though. With a frustrated scream, I picked up the frame and threw it against the wall. The glass shattered against the wall, and the photo fell slowly to the ground.

For a while, I sat on the bed, hugging my knees as I cried. It felt like Inuyasha was dead because he wasn't with me when I needed him. I needed Inuyasha to support me. I knew that Kikyo was his first love, the woman he fell in love with first and that he was the one that was driving the car when she died. But what about me? I lost my sister and my boyfriend as well.

I got up and moved towards the broken shards of glass and the photo lying on the ground. I gingerly pushed aside some glass shards and picked up the photo staring at our happy faces. I smiled as I began to remember.

"_Hey Kagome!" Inuyasha said brightly wrapping his arms around me. He placed a soft kiss on my cheek and shoved a brochure in front of my face._

"_What is this?" I asked with a giggle, grabbing the brochure. "A trip to Hawaii? Are you for real?"_

"_Why not?" Inuyasha said releasing me. He began to dance the hula, and I laughed. "The hula, the beach, the sun? We need a vacation! We've been babysitting Kikyo all week, and now we need a treat."_

"_But what about work?" I reasoned. "We can do the vacation during Christmas when we get time off."_

_Inuyasha gave a small high-pitched cough. "Hello?" he mimicked in a high-pitched voice, one that was supposed to resemble mine, to no one. "Yes this is Kagome! I'm sorry I've come down with the flu. I won't be able to work for a week. So sorry! Cough, cough."_

_I laughed and threw the brochure at Inuyasha's head. "Inuyasha you jerk!"_

It was then that Kikyo had taken the photo, when I had pounced onto Inuyasha. She had the film developed that day so she could show us how stupid we looked.

"Kikyo," I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes. "I am so sorry Kikyo…"

* * *

_Drops of light scatter on_

_Our big empty canvas._

_So many things we always planned to do_

_But we've put none of our plans to action._

* * *

A door slammed loudly interrupting my thoughts. I stood up and poked my head out of my room.

"Inuyasha?" I whispered. I moved to the couch and saw that Inuyasha was no longer there. He had probably gone for a run. I doubt anyone would have been able to sleep through my tantrum. Was he running away from me? From us?

Fear suddenly overwhelmed me. What if Inuyasha had realised we were going nowhere and we had really hit rock bottom? What if he had left for good?

I grabbed my sneakers and bolted out of the apartment. He wasn't waiting for the elevator, or maybe he had already left. I ran down the fifteen flights of steps and burst out of the building, panting.

"Inuyasha!" I shouted turning in circles trying to see him. "Inuyasha!" I frantically screamed again. People began to stare at me. A strange young woman in her pyjamas… it was a sight to see.

And then I saw him, running at least a good two hundred metres ahead. I wasn't going to let us go, not without a fight. And so I followed him. Yes, I chased down my man, no matter how cliché that may sound. But no matter how far or how fast I ran, Inuyasha was faster. He disappeared into the park nearby and I tried to follow.

Finally, I gave up. I was exhausted, with sweat clinging to me in a disgusting manner. I collapsed on the soft grass and stared up at the sky that I could barely see through the canopy of tree branches.

"Oh Inuyasha, will we be able to fix this?" I whispered.

* * *

_If we get too busy with life,_

_One day we'll no longer even see the sky._

_As I look up at the starry sky and stretch out my hand,_

_I can't stop my tears from flowing._

* * *

I must have fallen asleep because I didn't remember the sky being so bright. I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and took in my surroundings.

"Where am I?" I mumbled as everything came back to me. How Inuyasha had run away and how I had chased him, but in the end I had lost. "We're over, we're finally over," I said as realisation hit me.

And yet again, I found myself crying. I was a jumble of emotions, I was sad yet I was happy. But most of all, I was free.

"Oi, what's wrong?"

I froze and looked up to see Inuyasha standing before me. It felt like a dream, because we had barely spoken in months. Maybe I had caught pneumonia or something and I died that night because in reality, there was no way Inuyasha would be here right now.

"Oi! What the hell is wrong with you?" Inuyasha barked. Oh yeah, there was the Inuyasha that I loved.

"Inuyasha," I whispered. "You're back." I threw my arms around Inuyasha and held him close. "I thought… I thought you were never coming back."

"What the hell do you mean? I haven't gone anywhere," Inuyasha mumbled, his voice heavy with guilt. "I know I've been… distant."

I pushed Inuyasha away. "Distant?!" I shouted, anger catching up to our reunion. "Inuyasha, you practically died with Kikyo! Do you know how long I've been suffering?"

Inuyasha grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. "I know, and I'm so sorry," he said into my ear, wrapping his arms around me possessively. "Sango came to me last night and yelled at me. She told me all the stuff you've been telling her. I think at first I was upset that you couldn't talk to me about these things. But I've been really cold.

"The truth is, Kikyo's death was mainly my fault. You were sick, but when you went to the toilet, Kikyo and I had a few drinks and we ended up drunk. That teenager wasn't as much as to blame as I was." Everything seemed to make sense. Why Inuyasha was punishing himself.

"After Sango left, I had a lot to think about. These past three months have been hell for us, haven't they? I can't even recognise myself in the mirror. You've changed too. I feel like such an idiot. It's taken me a yelling from your best friend to realise what's always been in front of me. And I'm so scared that I might lose you."

Oh God Inuyasha, I'm so sorry. But you're too late. I've already learnt to let you go.

* * *

_If I assume that there's an answer that can't be seen,_

_I'll assume that my mornings with you won't fade._

_That day, we promised each other eternity_

_You said "I love you," and softly embraced me._

* * *

I gave a pathetic sniffle and rested my head on his chest. I wanted a good memory, a good final memory of us.

"I'm glad that we're finally talking about this. We haven't had a real conversation in a long time."

"I'm sorry."

"And you know that a sorry can't make up for everything?"

Inuyasha remained silent. Had he really thought a simple apology would make up for everything. An apology can't reverse time and make thing's all better. An apology can't erase everything I've been feeling for the past few months. I've been so alone… and in those three months, I've learnt to be independent. I didn't realise it until that night I lay asleep in the park. But I had let Inuyasha go, without meaning to, I had let him go.

"Inuyasha…" I could feel Inuyasha freezing up. He knew what was going to happen. I winced, suddenly scared to say what I had to say. "The man I loved disappeared when my sister died. And I was so lonely and scared. You weren't the only suffering. I was suffering. We could have talked to each other and tried to get over this. But you pushed me away, and I also pushed you away. Neither of us are to blame really. We became distant, racked with our guilt. It had come to an end, but neither of us wanted to admit it. At least, I didn't want to. I was clinging to our memories from so long ago, the memories where we could smile and mean it.

"And in those three months that I was left alone, hidden in the dark, I learnt to take care of myself. You weren't there when I needed you the most, so I've learnt to take care of myself. Without realising it, I might have let you go. I didn't realise it till this morning. I've let you go Inuyasha, and now I'm free. We're both free…"

I paused feeling something wet hit my head. I looked up to see tears pouring down Inuyasha cheeks. He had never cried, never. Not at his mother's funeral, or my sister's. I hadn't realised I was crying as well.

This was the end, wasn't it?

We stayed like that, crying in each other's arms as our final goodbye. I finally pushed Inuyasha away.

"I'll go and stay at Sango's until I can find a place to stay," I said quietly. "I'll come by later to pick up my stuff as well."

"No, please don't do this Kagome," Inuyasha begged grabbing my hand. "We're both better now, we can fix this."

"I'm so sorry Inuyasha, but we've been over for a long time. We just haven't realised it."

I turned around and began to walk away, tears overflowing from my eyes. The freedom that I had missed felt like a heavy burden now.

* * *

_Should I be happy, that when I walked away,_

_I stopped when your voice went coarse as you called me?_

_Regret is nothing but darkness_

_And every time I turn away from it._

* * *

Inuyasha and I didn't see each other for a year. I had to admit I was looking and feeling better. I continued to stay with Sango and her husband, Miroku. We were like a happy little family and I was smiling. Work continued as always, and I met some nice guys. I never dated any of them, because something always held me back. I hated to admit it, but I was still in love with Inuyasha.

"He's doing fine, you know," Sango said one day out of the blue as we were shopping.

"Who is?"

"Inuyasha," she replied with an all-knowing smile. She knew, but then again, she was my best friend and I didn't expect anything less from her.

"That's um… good. I'm glad that he's OK," I replied with a bright smile. I had gotten better at lying; my false smiles seemed to even fool Sango, although not all the time. She returned my smile with a fake smile of her own.

"Do you… do you still love Inuyasha?"

I couldn't reply. I was ready to deny it, but my tongue had turned to ash. All I could do was continue to walk on.

"Maybe, but I ended it, you know?" I said with a bright smile. "It doesn't matter whether I still love him or not."

"Just because you ended it doesn't mean its over."

"Oh please, you watch too many movies. Everything that happens in movies will never happen in real life. I for one know that there is no galaxy far, far away where there is a rebellion fighting Darth Vader and the Death Star," I snorted.

"Hey, it could happen," Sango replied with an honest smile. She dropped her smile and gave me a serious look. "But you still love him." My silence was a clear enough answer for Sango. "Right, I'm going to drop into the book store. Miroku wants me to get him some astrology book or something like that."

"I'll wait for you here then," I said sitting down on a bench opposite the store. I watched Sango walked in, and heaved a sigh as I dropped my bags on the floor. Being free felt a lot different. I could do things without Inuyasha, but I missed him so much. To quote Jennifer Aniston, "I can live without you. I just don't want to." Oh what a cruel irony, ain't it?

"Kagome?"

I bit my lip, unwilling to believe it. That scent was all too familiar, and that voice that haunted my dreams and memories, and that man that I loved was standing before me.

"Inuyasha," I whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"Shopping… nearly Sesshoumaru's birthday and I need to get him something. And you know that aristocrat, he has everything and anything I give him is considered 'trash'," Inuyasha chuckled. I gave a small laugh that all too soon dissolved into an uncomfortable silence. Yes, it is what is known as the 'awkward silence'.

"How… how have you been?" I asked nervously.

"Oh good, you know. Work's been good; I got a promotion last week so I am now head of the department."

"That's great!"

"How about you?"

"Oh yeah, you know, the boss is still annoying. Kouga is still bugging me, but other than that life has been OK."

"We should grab a cup of coffee," Inuyasha said before his eyes widened in realisation at what he said. "Not like a date, but I mean… well yeah not a date. It's just that, I didn't mean for it to sound like that, you know? Not that I don't want to date you! It's just that you're probably not ready or something like that so –"

I laughed, interrupting Inuyasha. "It's all right, I get you. Just to catch up right?"

"Yeah!" Inuyasha said with an embarrassed smile. "So are you busy right now?"

I wanted to catch up with him; God, I really wanted to talk to Inuyasha. But he was right, I wasn't ready to start dating him again. Maybe in a few months, when I've come to terms with everything and receive some closure…

"Actually, I'm shopping with Sango right now. But I am free tomorrow," I said with a smile.

"Great, so Starbucks after work then?"

"Sure, I'll see ya then," I said with a reassuring nod.

As I watched Inuyasha disappear into a crowd, I couldn't help but feel something swell beneath my chest. It felt good. A year ago, I was in love with a ghost. Today, I am free and happy. I have a best friend who is my family, and so my love life is a little dry. But the love of my life and I are finally communicating. It may not be perfect, but I couldn't be happier right now.

* * *

_If I assume that there's an answer that can't be seen,_

_I'll assume that it won't fade._

_Through an open window, I see the sun_

_And I close my eyes as it warms my shivering shoulders._

_And without noticing it, I found my answer._

* * *

**Author's Note:** So this is like the first time I've posted in what feels like a decade. Anyway, I hope you guys like this story! The lyrics are the English translation of Ayaka's _Blue Days_, which is a really beautiful song. I would recommend listening to it. Yes, it is in Japanese, but she is an amazing song writer. Please review!! 


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